Yo mamma so fat

I was looking at jewelery at the store today and I saw a ring that had an elephant head and I was all like, "Oo! Elephant!" So I went to try it on, but it was too big. It was even too big for my thumb. And it was stretchable so it could be bigger. I realized it was designed for a larger person only. You know, an elephant on an elephant. Yeah, I thought that was really rude of whoever designed that.

You guys suck

WHAT'S NOT WITH THE CAMEL?
CAMELS ARE AWESOME. AND I TOOK THAT PIC MYSELF. 

You know who I'm talking to, you two pollers.

I probably shouldn't have put that as a choice on the poll, if was just going to make me mad, but I'm not that mature. If you voted for that, Click here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Camel. Because I really think you should learn about something before you judge it.

Things I discovered today

1. My parents always bought regular applesauce instead of cinnamon applesauce, but it's ok because I can put my own cinnamon on the applesauce and *bam* cinnamon applesauce.Yum.

2. With my new ipod nano, I can still listen to music while getting dressed by clipping it to my scrunchy. No speakers needed.It looks really good too.

3. It's not a problem that I didn't wash my hair this morning or last night because I can wear a hat. A cool Iowa State hat.

Don't forget anything this holiday season!

Especially not your pants!

My new Christmas drawing! I hope you like it. I'll be selling  copies. JK. But it is cute, you gotta admit. 

There's a fine line between genius and lazy ass

Today in my Introduction to American Music class, we learned about experimental music. The first piece we discussed and listened to was interesting and pretty cool because it was played on the piano, but not the keys, just the strings. Then my professor went on to mention another composer and told us we all could play his song. To play the song, one sits at the piano, then does nothing. After a certain time interval, the player turns the page to mark the second movement, but continues to play nothing. Then there's a third movement where the same thing happens. The idea is that the "music" are all the sounds that you hear around you in the theater. (Title: 4'33" Click here for Wikipedia link). 

Really?

Really, John Cage, you think you can get away with that?

Obviously, it is not without controversy about whether it actually is or is not music, but I think it is just ridiculous. I can see how you could appreciate the sounds of things like birds chirping, children laughing, or even the bustle of a city. But even those are still just noises.

I also think it's unfair. If he wanted people to appreciate the noises around them, he should have pointed that out. Because instead of listening to the theater sounds, they probably had so much internal noise, in their heads, because they would be like, "Hey, man, play the fucking piano already!"

The rules of arachnophobia

Rule #1: ALL spiders are scary. Even if they are only the size of a crumb or known to be completely harmless.

Rule #2: The only two spiders in Illinois that are potentially deadly to humans are the brown recluse and the black widow.

Rule #3: Rule #2 doesn't matter; see rule #1. 

Rule #4: If you happen to sit near a huge, scary spider while at school, look up from your studying every five minutes to make sure it doesn't suddenly run towards you to attack you.

Rule #5: If you don't run off screaming when you see this spider you either 1. don't have arachnophobia or 2. really care about that microeconomics quiz you are studying for.

Rules #6: If you are close enough to take a picture with your crappy camera phone; you are too close.

Cheesefries

How can you compare anything to this wonderful creation of greasy, golden sticks and the gooey goodness that is not so straight-from-the-cow? You can't. Cheese fries are are so delicious. The best is when you get the kind where the cheese is already on top of the fries. So you stick your fingers in there and end up with the cheese all over your digits. Then you have to lick it off sensuously because, you know, cheese fries are such a sexy food. Pretty much an aphrodisiac.

Halloween

Halloween- a  holiday where you get to scare children, dress like a slut, and pig out on candy. A perfect combination.

Also, pumpkin guts.

Pancakes and/or waffles

I read a story on a website, notalwaysright.com, where a customer wanted pancakes but the restaurant didn't serve pancakes, only waffles. So, after trying to explain this to the customer who insisted on pancakes, the employee told the customer they could make him pancakes with holes in it that trap the syrup. Pretty, smart move on the employee's part.

I disagree though. Waffles are not just a syrup-trapping version of pancakes. I came to that conclusion based on the fact that I hate pancakes, but love waffles. That wouldn't be possible if they were the same thing.

PS. Do you like waffles?

Chocolate flavored condoms

Once my sister ate some chocolate and immediately afterward she played her clarinet. Seeing as how she didn't have any other reeds, she left the current one in even though it had chocolate one it. It was pretty gross, but what was even grosser is that I tried it. It tasted like chocolate flavored wood. Yum.

I imagine that this is what chocolate flavored condoms would taste like expect rubber instead of wood. I suppose it could be a better alternative if you are a vegetarian and dislike the taste of man meat. Or if the thought of flying free is something you can't swallow.

Either way, I think lollipop flavored would be more suitable. 

Crystal meth

If you ever find yourself in a situation where crystal meth is around or being offered, first of all, ask yourself, how the hell did I get here? Because chances are, you already made a series of bad decisions that lead to this point. So, get yourself a pregnancy and STD test and check to see if you have any upcoming court dates.

Now that that's taken care of, ask yourself, do I really want to do this crystal meth? Think about it. It could kill you. And if it doesn't kill you, using it in the long term will make you look like shit. Actually, it will make you look worse than shit. Think of all the pics you've seen of meth abusers and tell me you wouldn't rather look at shit? Well, neither is pretty. I'd even bet the shit smells better.

Hipsters

Last time I went shopping for underwear, I found myself making a unexpected decision. There was my brand right there, in front of me, in the colors I wanted. But before I could purchase I had to make sure I picked out the right kind. You see there are hi-cuts, thongs, bikini, and one I had never contemplated before: hipsters. Hi-cuts are no good. They go up to your belly button. Thongs weren't really necessary cuz I was just trying to pick out some Hanes. Bikini was my usual. But then I thought, hipsters could be comfortable too, a little more coverage, but still not granny panties. So, I got both.

Totally kidding. I know that's not what you meant. Plus, you don't think I would put a true story about my unmentionables on the Internet, do you?

Wanna play a game?

So, I just realized that I have no posts at all for the month of October. And that is just not acceptable. It's not that I haven't had ideas. I'm just too lame to sit here and type them up.

If you are up for it, I would like to play sort of a game as a way to get my ass to write something (well my ass isn't really involved in the writing-mainly just my head and fingers.) Give me a topic, any topic, and I will blog about it. There are no exceptions and no limits. Any topic you give me, I will have to write something about it. Seriously, ANYTHING!

So shoot. Put it in the comments. Offer expires at the end of the weekend.

True dat

http://verydemotivational.com/2010/09/30/demotivational-posters-flowers/

Which I bring up due to this blast from the past:

http://welcometomypurpleworld.blogspot.com/2010/03/dating-advice.html

I thought this information should be shared

In my zoology class, everyday the professor says something interesting or at least mildly amusing and I thought "imagine my head was on my rear end" was going to be it for today. But then we went into the topic of flatworm reproduction. You can tell this is going to be fascinating already, can't you?

First of all, for some background info, flatworms are monoecious. This means they have both male and female parts under "one house." So that when they meet any other flatworm, they can get it on. Except with flatworms "getting it on" is a little different. It's called hypodermic impregnation.

In other words, penis fencing. Yes, that's right, penis fencing. Some flatworms battle it out in order to be able to literally stab the other with its penis. You see, flatworms have no vagina-like structure, and this is the solution to that problem. So afterwards, the flatworm is left covered in holes and with its opponents sperm.

I bet you wish you had seen the video. Note: I wouldn't search for this on youtube, just to be safe.

Baby you got the keys, now shut up and drive

After three years, I have finally taken the next step in this relationship. While I have always had a love-hate (mostly hate) relationship with driving, I decided the only way for us to function was if I strengthened my commitment to it. So, I now have my driver's license. I know you thought this day would never come; I know I did. But now it has. And I can only hope that my relationship with driving will just continue to increase now that we finally have some alone time together.

We should also probably stop using my mom's car...

"Got you where you wanna go if you know what i mean
Got a ride that smoother than a limousine
Can you handle the curves? Can you run all the lights?
If you can baby boy then we can go all night"

Another thing accomplished

I met someone today with the same first name as me. All of you with common names don't understand how cool this is for me. I have never, in my life, personally met someone who has the same name as me. I know of people with the same name: my best friend's grandma's friend, my sister's ex-coach's wife, Gloria Estefan, and my deceased grandmother who I'm named after of course. But I've never met any of these people (I did see in the coach's wife in person, but didn't meet her). I don't know Gloria Estefan and my paternal grandma for more obvious reasons (one's famous and the other one's dead-in case you couldn't figure it out). However, today at Fall Fest I met an employee named Gloria. I was so excited I showed her my ID badge and everything.  I was probably a little to giddy. I hope she didn't notice. I don't want to appear so uncool as to bring shame to the name ( I like parentheses).

Seasons change; men don't

Why, hello there, Mr. Fall! What are you doing here? I wasn't expecting you for another 20 days! Please, come have a seat. What is that you brought for me, 60 degree weather? I haven't had that in ages! Thank you so very much! Though, I have to be honest with you, Mr. Fall, I am not prepared for your arrival. You'll have to sleep on the couch, I'm afraid. Ms. Summer is still in the guest room. That doesn't trouble you? What was that you said about Ms. Summer? Oh, you fancy her? She has such a warm personality. Yes, she has that too, hee hee. Mr. Fall! Please, watch your manners! I cannot have you talking about using your wind to lift up Ms. Summer's skirts! What would Mr. Winter and Mrs. Spring say! Mr. Fall! Mr. Winter would never use his cold for Ms. Summer's nipples! How dare you accuse him of such an ungentlemanly thing! Mr. Fall, I think I'm going to have to ask you to leave. I can not tolerate that vulgarity, especially while Ms. Summer is upstairs. Speaking of Ms. Summer she should have been down here for supper by now. Well, she probably heard you talking and didn't wish to come down with you insulting her innocence. And no, Mr. Fall, you cannot throw Ms. Summer down into a pile of leaves and have your way with her! I don't care how large her bosom is! Good day, Mr. Fall! *Slam!* Humph!

The dead deer is staring at me

When I walked into the zoology classroom on Tuesday, I expected most of my classmates to be there already because I was running a little late, but I wasn't expecting the fine displays of taxidermy stuck on the walls. The only reasons I could think of, of why they were there were 1. The professor thought some decorative touches would spruce the place up and get us in the mood to learn about animals 2. They are there to teach us about animals or 3. They are there to teach us what happens when you don't do your homework.

There are also some live permanent members of the class consisting of fish, frogs, snakes, and tarantulas.They must not be very good students to have been there for all these years. It's like that Spanish-speaking girl who was in my Spanish class, but failed.

We also learned some interesting facts about animals that day. Like there is a kind of millipede that when it gets old can wrap itself in a cocoon and come out young again.  And that most animals spend most of their time inactive and conserving energy. Proving once more how well I fit in with all my animal friends.

If all that weren't enough to convince the students how interesting the class was going to be then the various videos such as the one of the six male frogs all jumping on one female frog, the one of the male seal protecting his harem, or the one of the female praying mantis eating the male during coitus, sure were. Well, I'm hooked anyway (insert fish reference?).

The loss of our dear friend, The Summer

Stage 1- Denial: You keep on wearing those short-shorts despite the science building being as cold as Antarctica. Freezing yourself just to show off those legs that seemed so sexy and tan yesterday in your bathing suit that are now just wasting your time as you struggle to unstick yourself from the chair at the end of each class.

 Stage 2- Anger: I am not going to school. It is a sucky, useless place that just takes all my money. I hate you, school! It's all your fault Summer isn't with us anymore! You did this to her! To us!

Stage 3-Bargaining: Please just one more week while the weather is still nice! You can have a week of my winter break, if you just let me go swimming just one more time.

Stage 4- Depression: You fill your backpack with pencils and your calculator then slump it over your shoulder. As you walk out to your car you note the sunshine, but don't care as you will be stuck in buildings all day. All the things that used to bring you joy: ice cream, tanning, sleeping in until noon, seem to have gone with the departed and you are left with nothing.

Stage 5- Acceptance: Let's face it, you're just waiting it out until next summer. Screw acceptance.

Sea it?

You probably haven't read my post from yesterday yet, but in it I mentioned that I still have one really gross scrape on my leg. I would like to take that back. I no longer think this scab looks gross because, as my mom pointed out, it kind of looks like a seahorse. You think so? Cool, right?

Not that you care

I haven't blogged in a while. So here are a few brief updates from my life:

-My favorite didn't win Last Comic Standing. Not that I voted, but this is America so I still have the right to complain.

-I just got back from Wisconsin. Vacations are nice because you get to get away, but when it comes down to it you're still stuck with the five other members of your family in one room.

-I only have one scrape on my leg, from rollerblading last week, that's still really gross. After that heals, I will only be left with my band-aid tan lines and a strong desire to never go rollerblading again.

Pass the cake

So, I'm doing my annual birthday post an hour early because I got to go to bed soon. Lame to go to bed this early, I know, but it's the only way I'll be awake for work tomorrow. Work on my birthday??? I know: LAMER, but I don't work very often. That's ok; it's all good. I'm really giggly and excited about starting my last year as a teenager, nonetheless. As a matter of fact, I'm so excited about my birthday that I might as well be turning 9 instead of 19, but, people, IT'S MAH BIRTHDAY! The only thing redeeming me from my childishness is the fact that I have work tomorrow.

So, I'm just going to go out to dinner with my family. It's the best I can do with one of my best friends in another state and the other ditching me for tye-dye. I am however dragging her (not the one in Michigan, I have neither the strength nor endurance to drag her all the way to Chicago) to the mall with me next Saturday. Despite everything, I still gotta have my annual near-birthday August shopping spree. It goes along with the September poorness that follows.

Purdy

I have never been much of an artist, but this summer seemed like a good time to improve that side of me. You know to make up for all the microscopes and dead fetal pigs. I have to say, I had pretty good luck with my nails for the 4th of July:                                                                                                                                                             

 So I was excited when my sister wanted us to use the tye-dye kit she got for her birthday. Well, I don't know how the shirts will turn out, but I my knee is very colorful.

And my since my artistic skillz are where I get my sense of fashion, I know that this will look great with the dress I thought I would wear on my birthday. Needless to say, I don't think I will be joining my lab partner, Sonya, in art school.

What George Owell didn't count on

I think most people who have read 1984 would agree that there's some reality to that today. Already stores, banks, random people who call your house, and the government track all kind of information on people. And there are things like the Patriot Act. My parents talked to someone a few months ago who swears his phone calls are being listened in on.

The thing is though, that the government doesn't need to watch us on telescreens. If you want to know what is going on with somebody check their Twitter, Facebook, MySpace, or blog. Don't get me wrong, I love these things, but with a snap of your fingers or a Google search their posted information is at your disposal (I just searched my home phone number and my address came up).

We are giving our lives away. Nothing is private anymore. If you go out in public a lot, think about all the times you've been record on security cameras. My high school put cameras in front of the bathroom doors. That's fucked up. So between this and all the internet stuff, we are about one Ministry of Love away from a 2010  1984, but this one is, ironically, by the people.

Secret agent piggy

When my first guinea pig, Leroy, was young we had ugly carpet in the living and dinning rooms of my house and he was allowed to run around because my mom didn't care if something happened to that carpet. So, Leroy would run around the dinning room. He would start at the end the the table and zig-zag his way through the legs of the chairs as fast as he could, going in a circle and when he reached the end he would stop, and jump up and turn around at the same time, and go back the way he came. I was impressed by this. He never once ran into a leg.

Eventually, he needed more of a challenge. He had a mission. Get from the dinning room to under the couch without getting caught. He would run around the dinning room for a little while, then at some point run to behind a nearby armchair. The chair that was in that location at the time had a flaps on the bottom. Leroy used this as a cover. He didn't know we could see his feet. Then, when he thought the coast was clear, he would make a mad dash across the empty space of the living room and go under the couch. We hated when he went under the couch because it was hard to get him out. I think he knew that.

One day, when I thought a little change would be good, I took him to the downstairs region of my house for him to run around. I thought it was a nice little arrangement because whenever I hadn't seen him for a while I would call, "Leroy! Where are you?" and he would either run over, or squeal so I knew he was ok. At one point though, I was calling his name and was getting no response. I starting looking for him, but didn't see him anywhere. I went upstairs, I'm not sure why. Perhaps it was to ask my siblings if they had seen him or if it was my gut feeling coupled with the fact that I had seen Leroy eyeing the stairs earlier. Sure enough, there he was upstairs, under the couch. Leroy had taught himself how to go up stairs- no easy task for someone of his size.

When we were at the pet store one day, we had had Leroy for about 8 months, my mom and my sister saw a cute little guinea pig and persuaded my dad to let us get him. He became my sister's guinea pig and we named him Harry. We put him in a separate cage from Leroy because of the age difference and the fact that they were males (males fight). From this point on, Leroy's mission changed. His new goal- get into my sister's room to see Harry.

This became particularly amusing when the ugly carpet finally was removed and replaced by rugs. Now when Leroy was running around my room he would get to the door, then pace. He didn't like the wood. He had to build up his courage every time he faced the wood floor. He would pace around then eventually dash across it as fast as he could, as if it were a pool of piranhas he had to leap across.

Drop on the deck and flop like a fish

I used to wonder how SpongeBob could not pass the boating test after all that time. If everyone else could do it, surely he could too? But now I have had my learners permit for three years, and I no longer wonder. I also have decided to use this realization of mine and SpongeBob's similar experiences to make myself seem cooler. Sure, you got your drivers license when you were 16, but I'm like the guy who lives in a pineapple, and who everybody loves. And I know I haven't been going at it for quite as long as he has, but I crashed into my brother's car the other day while pulling out of the driveway, so we'll see. You know, when I drive and my mom gets all mad and upset, she kind of puffs up too.

It would be better with a Fat Lady

It has only been a couple weeks since my last post, which isn't unusual, yet when I  went to sign in to blogger today; I forgot my password. It just wasn't in my brain, and I knew that trying to remember it was a lost cause. So I followed the "forgot password" steps and it sent it to my e-mail. As I went to sign into my e-mail I thought, what if I forgot the password to my e-mail? So then I started the "forgot password" process for that one too, just to see. Its brilliant idea was to either send it to another e-mail account, if you had another associated with it, or to type in your birth date. Well, now your choices are to hope that you are well acquainted with electronic postal services, and pray you don't forget those passwords too, lest you start a chain of security questions and Captcha codes that could go as long as lining up all the Chinese around the Earth. Or you can hope you put your actual birthday, which isn't always the case; I have three Neopets accounts (don't judge) that I can no longer use for this reason. But then, what if you forget the answer to your security question?! Lucky for me, "Are you a good witch, or a bad witch?" is a question I will always remember the answer to.

My new computer!

I got a new computer today! You have no idea how nice it is to have a computer that actually works. I don't have to worry about it randomly shutting off in the middle of a paper or turning off because I touched it to try to turn in 5 degrees to the left. And I finally have a webcam. Holla! Hit me up with your Skype names people! So I can finally see my beautiful friends' faces, even when they are away at college. The best part is, that I can do things like this:

 I think that's a good look for me. Don't you?

A pugly situation

I was driving to Harper today. I was doing my best, but let's be honest I'm not a very good driver. The driving was going ok though, that is, until a dog ran across the busy, 45mph street- right in front of my car. I tried to slow down without slamming the breaks so I wouldn't get hit from behind, but as I came closer to where the dog was it was clear that I wouln't be able to stop before I got to him. I quickly looked to my right and thank God there were no cars there and I moved over and stopped because the dog was still crossing. At that point the dog was somewhere behind me although I couldn't see him and I was worried that he might have gone under the car. Then I saw him though and drove off, but as I did I saw in my rearview mirror that little pug run back accross the street in the opposite direction.

I hope that dog picks a side of the street and sticks to it because I'm afraid if he keeps running back and forth, on my way back home I will see him again, but, this time, he won't be running.

Aye, lass: A book review

When I woke up last Monday, it felt like summer. Last year between ear surgery, everyone leaving for college, and me not finishing a single novel; it didn't feel like summer; it just felt like "eh." This year though, the sun has been shining, I got to so swimming once, and I am reading a great book.

It is the perfect summer read. Genre-wise it is a cross of romance, historical fiction, and fantasy. It has everything a woman wants for her summer reads with both edge-of-your-seat action and suspense and love between the characters that is so powerful that, let's face it, there's nothing between the characters- if you catch my drift. Also, it takes place in historical Scotland with a modern English woman as the main character: hence my new vocabulary.

I'll lend this book to ye if you want. I found it is good to keep the mind off things like family parties and root canals.

The book: Outlander By Diana Gabaldon

Prioritize

Things I am doing right now, but shouldn't be: blogging, painting my toenails, checking the TV guide to see if anything good is on, bugging my guinea pig, and dancing to songs on the radio.

Thing I am not doing right now, that I should be: studying for my chem final tomorrow and writing an 8-page paper for my Brit Lit class that's due Tuesday and I haven't started yet.

So, I think I'm going to continue wasting time on the computer (there's nothing good on TV).

Harper and I spend too much time together

I had a speech today. It was really bad. It got to a point where I was willing to take the grade cut just to end it even though I was probably under the time limit, but it had to be stopped. Afterwards, I was still trying to be optimisstic because after all it was over and that was my last speech. Unitl I got to math and realized I left all my math stuff at home. Including the homework that I had spent a majority of the day before doing. I probably forgot it because I was more concerned this morning about having the stuff for my speech. The speech which, by the way, I didn't have time to practice because I was doing math homework!
I can't believe I still have another two weeks of this school shit.

PS. I gave up on that whole "how to get good grades while being lazy" stuff. It was a bad idea for blogging. If you really want more advice on that... too bad.

You should take notes on this

1.The best time to study for tests is 5-10 minutes before the actual test. You don't want to spend hours and hours the night before to learn something you only need to know for one more hour of your life. So, you study a few minutes before and it will all be fresh in your mind. And if you forget it afterward, who cares, because it is probably something you are never going to need to know again. Except maybe for the final.

2. Be original. This is the easiest way to an "A" paper. All you have to do is have an original/creative point to argue. This allows you to write about whatever the hell you want, even if there's a prompt. It also makes it more interesting for the teacher to read and it will stand out more in his or her mind so he or she will automatically be more inclined to score it higher. All of which  add up to give you more flexibility in the minimum page requirement. You could spend that time you would have spent writing that final page doing something more important, like watching that episode of House you missed two weeks ago. The only catch is that you can't write like a dumbass. Know what you're talking about- is all I'm saying.

Kicking school's ass while you sit on yours

You have two options with school: work hard and get good grades or slack off and get average or bad grades. The only way around this is if you are smart. But even if you are not smart, you can still slack off and get good grades if you know how, because lets face it, school is important to you, but you have better things to do.

I look at school like a game. While you can't cheat (well, you can but it's frowned upon), you can use some tricks that I have learned. I am actually amazed how well these have worked out for me. Just recently I got back my lit midterm paper. I wrote this paper the night before it was due, on a piece of literature I found hard to understand (Chaucer), and it was only 3 1/2 pages despite the minimum requirement being 5. My professor liked it and I got an A. It doesn't get any better than that.

So, my next few posts I will be sharing these with you (they require explanation) so you can be as awesomely lazy as I am.

*Disclaimer: Does not guarantee success. May not be suitable for all classes such as honors or AP. Not recommended for overachievers.

I'll sting you

bzzzzzzzzz

Not because I got high

My bed time is in 10 minutes but I can only charge my MP3 player through my computer and it was pretty dead, sooooo...you get a blog post from me (I've been slacking anyway. I've had a billion ideas of what to write about and never did because I was too lazy).

I didn't go to Harper job on Monday which turned out to be a problem. You see, I haven't been doing any homework at home because I despise doing so and was only doing it between class and work or during work, and not going to work on Monday meant I didn't get my homework done. It's funny because I think without this job, I probably wouldn't do homework. And then I would be like my older brother (who plans on going to Harper until he's 40 [and he should be able to because he keeps on dropping/failing classes]).

My cousin is having surgery today on her ACL (I don't even know what that is). Apparently, she's really nervous about it. I know she's not going to read this, but maybe the blog gods could pass on the message and let her know that it will be fine and over before she knows it (literally, actually, because they don't wake you up until it's finished).

Yesterday was  the infamous 4/20. My classes were less populated yesterday. I don't think it was a coincidence. While that is not a day I observe; I find it amusing, and I enjoy any day that deviates from the normal. So here is a link to a related song. Don't smoke weed, kids

Better than bored.com. Seriously.

I was so bored tonight at work because I had neither work nor homework to do and I hadn't done anything all day. I was going crazy from boredom. Then my friend offered to give me a wiki hunt. Something that involves Wikipedia, no thanks, I want to something fun. But I was sooooo bored. Wait, wiki hunt? What's that? It's where you start at one Wikipedia page and have to get to another by using the links on the page. Ok, I'll do it.

Since my friend was reading the page on mental health, I had to start there, and get to the page on cheese. Seems impossible, I mean, how are those two related? It was actually pretty easy and only took me a couple minutes. The path I took: mental health>World Health Organization>Alliances for Healthy Cities>primary health care>health care>United States>Midwest> Wisconsin>cheese. Easy.

My next one: cheese to eye drops. Harder than it looks, but I did it. Cheese>Center for Science in the Public Interest>Center for Consumer Freedom>antibiotic>medicine>eye> eye(disambiguation)> human eye> optometrist> eye examination>eye disease> keratoconjuctivitis sicca> artificial tears> eye drops.

 These wiki hunts are fun puzzles to do. I recommended it for when you're bored.

Here are some ideas.

Go from John McCain to Kesha

Kesha to guinea pig

guinea pig to marijuana

Random enough? That should keep you busy for a while.

PS. Rinny, where did you learn of this "wiki hunt" thing?

When pigs fly

So, I think I need to start exercising. I decided this after realizing I found it to be too much effort to suck my stomach in. Yes, I am now too lazy to fake being skinny. However, I see two problems right away with this whole "exercising" thing.

1. Remember this: old blog post where I decided to start exercising
Yeah well, that lasted for four days. I tried it again at the end at the school and that lasted for three days. So, I exercised 7 days last school year. I know, don't overdo it, Gloria.

2. I have no time no exercise. The only time I would be able to is in the morning, early, before school. When I seriously told this idea to my parents one night at dinner, they started cracking up. So did I. The idea of me waking up early is ridiculous. The idea of me waking up early to exercise is enough to make you choke on your hamburger helper.

You know what though, I am willing to give it a shot. But let's keep our expectations reasonable. Let's first see even I will even wake-up early. Then let's see if I will get out of bed, change my clothes, and walk all the way downstairs to the elliptical. So many places for the plan to go awry.

Do you think I will do it?

The first group is like prostitutes; they'll give it up to anybody!

It's a cute story: boy and girl meet in chemistry and are lab partners. Then they start going out. They have "chemistry." Aw.

The only flaw to this cute, cliche story is when the class has an odd number of people and these two lab partners actually have a third partner. It is especially irksome when the third partner is me.

I can't walk with them up to lab anymore because they are always together- giggling at one another. It's not even official which makes it even weirder, but I've crept on their Facebook pages enough to know what's really going on. I feel like I'm intruding on them. I am ruining their cute chem story.

I shouldn't worry though because if their relationship ever does get serious, they won't even remember me. The whole situation probably only annoys me because I am jealous nobody wants to share their electrons to bond with me.

PS. The title is a quote from my teacher. If you don't understand it; you don't know your periodic table well enough.

Fun with links!

I heard this song on the radio today. It's silly and weird.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AfpyoGFJNNE

If you didn't catch it on Facebook, you might recognize the guy in this video:

http://ellen.warnerbros.com/videos/?autoplay=true&mediaKey=31750c21-45a6-4c75-865a-b8cb5c2dcfbf

My not so big adventure of the day #2

I had to go to school today to work on a group project. We finished by 11am but my mom wouldn't be able to pick me up until 1 because she had work. I thought I would just wait, but after 30 minutes of just sitting there realized I couldn't so this for another hour and a half. So I decided to try to walk home.

At one point during my journey, I was coming up to a T-intersection and a car was sitting there. I figured the car would turn onto the main road but if it was there when I reached the intersection I would walk a wide perimeter around it just to be safe. As I got closer I see the woman in the car is pointing a camera in my direction, and I heard the camera click a few times. Excuse me, Asian lady, what are you doing?! Are you taking my picture? You know, you can't just go around taking people's pictures without their permission! I hate creepy Asian women photographers.

A little later, the sidewalk had ended and I noticed a creepy looking man walking around in a swampy area, but he was coming up and we were going to be at the same place at the same time. So I sped up. Except, there was a muddy puddle and I had to walk in the street. I kept this pace for a little while although, the man, to my relief, had crossed the street.

So, with all that stress on my weak little body, and realizing there really weren't any sidewalks I could take, I gave up my homeward quest and went to Subway where my mom picked me up 45 minutes later.

Candy makes everything better, right?

I expect too much out of holidays. Today was pretty much a normal day, but with more candy. My highlight of the day was hiding Easter eggs for the little kids at church.

Actually, I'm pretty much disappointed everyday. Life sucks. 

I am sick of school. I am sick of living with my family. I am sick of my boring life, and I am sick of Easter candy- literally.

And I can't handle the speeches and the accompanying nervous stomach which lasts all day even if we ran out of time and I didn't actually go. And I can't handle two jobs and mass amounts of homework because just thinking about them makes me stressed. And I can't handle worrying about people, especially people who ask me out, freak me out by how much they like me even after only two dates because I generally try to stay away from people, get me to like them, then run into family problems and don't talk to me in three weeks. 

I know my problems are not bad, really not even problems at all. But I am having a mini meltdown, and I just wanted to get that shit off my chest. Thanks for reading.

A box of rocks

Kidnapped. Hands tied, duct taped mouth, thrown into a locked basement in some remote location. Who? The nerd in me. That's right, Harper abducted the side of  me who wanted to do well in school. Oh sure, sometimes I would hear the screams, but they just got ignored.

It's amusing to me because I'm pretty sure my lit professor thinks I'm an idiot. She said something about her honor's English class today and I thought she would probably laugh if she knew an honor's program application was sitting in my dresser right now.

Of course, that could prove I'm actually not that smart after all, seeing as the application has not been filled out yet.

Maybe that will change. Someone let the nerd out (on a leash) and now Saturday is my designated homework day. I plan to spend the whole day working on school stuff (admittedly most of which was put off from before). Perhaps my lit paper will be so good that it will change my professor's mind. Yeah, probably not. But I'm past the point of wanting to impress people. I can be dumb if I want to.

Some things in life can't be explained

I don't know why or how, but for some reason this was on the shelf next to the desk in the kitchen at work.

Dating advice

A while back I was thinking about boys, well that's a little misleading-I always think about boys, but I was thinking that I wouldn't want to receive cut flowers from a boy. Or anyone, really. I love flowers; they're pretty and they smell nice, but cut flowers are dead. And they are just going to decay more as you have have them. I don't like the symbolism in that. Our relationship is like these flowers, dead and wilting. That's not very romantic.

I wouldn't want to get chocolates either. Getting chocolates is like someone telling you that 1. he/she doesn't care enough about you to be concerned about your health and 2. that something as simple as chocolates are all you need to be happy. Like, you're just some silly woman who can't even control herself. Oh you brought me chocolates- I'm yours! Blah.

At the very least I think what you need to take away from this post is that you have to pay attention to what your girlfriend/boyfriend/significant other(s) like because some of us have strange thoughts.

Disclaimer: I am in no position to give dating advice. Any break-ups or nights on the couch incurred from reading this advice is all your fault. You deserved it, idiot. Don't blame your pathetic love life on me.

Snippets from my head #2

I hate child-proof containers. Why would you push down and turn something when you are trying to lift the lid up? I doesn't make sense. These things are so hard to open. I wanted to try some make-up remover that my aunt gave to me that had this kind of lid, but I couldn't get it open. So, I just fell asleep with make-up on and when I tried it again today, I  finally got it open, but I also got it all over my favorite sweatshirt.

At the mall yesterday, there seemed to be an unusually high number of pregnant women. I don't know what was up with that. Speaking of which, one of my old babysitters is prego again with her second child. Her daughter isn't even a year old yet. I'm really happy for them, but seriously all these people need to find something better to do.

My friend has this poster hanging up in her room. Another friend pointed out that if you cover up the football it changes it from an athletic-looking picture to a very sexual picture. The media is sneaky like that. Remember: They know how you think because they made you think like that.

I got 13 hours of sleep last night. Isn't that crazy?

It snowed all day yesterday which normally wouldn't be so bothersome, but on Friday it was so nice out that I wore shorts! And now we have snow and winter coats again! Dear snow, please go away. It is spring now and you have overstayed your welcome. Love, Gloria.

Wrong ethnicity for kissing

Today is St. Patty's Day. I have always felt very akward on this day. It puts you in a weird situation. Starting in elementary school is was pretty much a requirement to wear green on this day or else the other kids would bug you about it or more commonly, they would have the right to pinch you. So, you would wear green. But then any adults you talked to would see that you were wearing green as ask you if you are Irish. Then I would answer akwardly, "Well, um, no, not really. I mean, there's a little bit of Irish on my grandpa's side of the family, but my last name is Scottish." Then the conversation either ended or I got teased once again this time for wearing green.

So, I feel a little traumatized by this. St. Patty's day doesn't really do anything for me. I don't drink and I'm not Irish and if you try to tell me that everybody's Irish on St. Patty's Day; I will smack you in the face because that is the biggest bullshit I have ever heard. It just doesn't make sense. Well, maybe if you're drunk.

My Life is This

Today, another one of my dreams has been crushed. I thought it couldn't get any worse after I couldn't get the financial aid to go to the school I really wanted to go to and had to got to community college, but it has. MLIA

Today, I went on MLIA during work, like I always do. MLIA

Today, I started to read the stories, but as I did I noticed the story number has gone up significantly from where it was at before. I was keeping track of the numbers because in December my sister and I submitted a story that we thought had a fighting chance at being published. It should have been in the running to be published any day now, but now the number was past. I crossed my fingers that I would see my story published. MLIA

Today, I went back to the second page only to discover someone had posted how that there weren't any truely average stories anymore, only fake and awesome ones. I don't know how it happened, but this person was convincing enough that thousands of stories, like mine, were skipped over and never even given a chance. MLIA

Today, I realized that of course this would happen right before mine could get published and all that months of waiting and tracking it was for nothing. My life is average. My one little joy of awesomeness I was counting on-getting MY story published didn't happen due to this "revolution" for the website. I can't even get that. MLIA

Today, the website sucks again. I hate it. The stories WERE average. They were about being average awesomely. Whoever did this, you suck. FML

Give me liberty because you're giving me a headache

One of the most annoying things about living at home as a college student is that I'm supposed to be more on my own, but I'm not because I still have my parents watching my every move. So, tonight at the early hour of 9'o clock when I got a text from my mom saying, "take a shower;" I was pissed yet, ready to fight this battle. 

I text her back, "I shower, when I shower." That was not received well.

"Who do you think you are writing to?"

"The shower police evidently."

 In the meantime, my sister who had been drafted by my mom to tell me via facebook to shower, was amused by the situation . She informed me that my mom had received a text and  had said, "man is she being a snot." I think the feelings were mutual.

I talked to my sis about it because at this point I had finished my homework and actually did wish to shower, but since my mom told me, I couldn't. I am still a rebellious teen after all. So, I told my sis to make a lot of noise of I could shower undetected.

Then I heard a thunk. Then a louder thunk.

Gotta love sisters who got your back.

How does this story end? I showered, no one cared. Though, I found out later my dad was actually the one behind the orders. Goes without saying, I had a little talk with him.

My average thoughts of the day in a sensical order

6:05 am: F*** you, alarm clock.
6:59 am: I'm not late [to work]! For once.
8:45 am: I really have to pee, there's no time to pee, but I really gotta go pee.
11:00 am: I want to go home now. 
2:10 pm: I'm gonna sit here and look busy because I always finish early on Saturdays. I'll print the nourishment labels at 2:30. That only takes a few minutes.
2:32 pm: Printer jam. That's ok, I got it.
2:33 pm: Printer jam again. Oh boy.
2:34 pm: Printer jam. Dammit.
2:35 pm: Printer jam. What the F***! I only have 1 page printed! are you seriously going to do this to me printer?!?!
2:45 pm: I swear to God, printer, if you don't print these without jamming every other page I am going to take a hammer and smash you to little pieces!
2:46 pm: There we go.
2:47pm: Printer jam. *screams inside*
3:04 pm: Done. I gotta get outta here.
3:25 pm: Mushroom burger. mmmm. Tastes great, you know, with cheese, ketchup, mustard and pickles.
3:28 pm: Phone call from a boy or finish burger. Boy.
3:38 pm: Burger.
5:00 pm: Must. Nap. Now.
6:45 pm: Taco Bell bean burrito looks like poop. I want to smush it.
6:50 pm: I smush it.
8:00 pm: Phone call from boy again. Sorry. I don't feel like dealing with people right now.
8:34 pm: I don't want to be a vet.
8:40 pm: Phone call from Person! Ewww...that's a lovely dream (no).
9:30 pm: I should blog. I have nothing to blog about. Oh well, I blog anyway.

How to pick up guys

I bar him on hand [1] he hadde enchaunted me/ (My dame [2] taughte me that subtiltee)/ And eek [3] I saide I mette [4] of him al night/ He wolde han slain me as I lay upright/ And al my bed was ful of verray blood/ 'But yit I hope that ye shul do me good/ for blood bitokeneth [5] gold, as me was taught.'

-The Wife of Bath, The Canterbury Tales

[1. I pretended to him 2. mother 3. also 4. dreamed 5. signifies]

My lit prof's translation: "I had a dream that you stabbed me in bed last night, but I know you wouldn't hurt me"

Subtle, indeed.

Chaucer has such a dirty mind.

Sitting duck

I'm babysitting tomorrow. I haven't babysat since the summer, and if any of you remember the anything I have written about the kids I babysit; you will realize that I need a battle plan.

Go unarmored into munchkin territory you will be faced with screams and cry's- your own.  I have gotten hit, spit on, and sworn at at this house. Once, the little boy was trying to pee on the other children, now that's a weapon I can't compete with.

So, I bring toys, crayons, books, my wit, and my manners. Yes, I will teach them manners if it kills me. But I'm not going to take their crap sitting down.



PS. I think it's kind of wrong of me to use a duck hunting reference in my title considering my improved moral stance on animals rights. PETA might not approve, but it does remind me of Another Story.

Another story

In the operating room before my ear surgery, a bunch of people were milling about doing their jobs preparing stuff when one guy starts. "So, I went hunting this weekend..."

But then the anesthesiologist cuts him off and was like, "Don't say that! She's [me] a vegetarian!" You see, in pre-op I had mentioned I wanted to be a small animal vet and he was like, "You could go into research if you want to work with small animals." He got major death stare for that.

Then the fist guy said, "Well, it was just ducks. They don't matter [yadda, yadda]" I stopped listening then rolled my eyes, but no one saw.

How could ducks not matter?!?! Mean medical person. Poor ducks.

Chemistry cool

Today, the highlight of lab was when one kid knocked something over and set his lab papers on fire. Our teacher was yelling at him to blow it out, but he was unsuccessful so she yelled to go to the sink. He carried his burning papers to the sink and then put it out. It looked nice after that, all burned and wet. It was amusing, but you haven't even heard the best part part; he is studying to become a firefighter. Oh, irony.

What singles do on Valentine's day

Look at silly pics online of course! Here are a couple of my favs. From: http://thingsthataredoingit.com/ and http://thisisphotobomb.com/ 

"Tree Job"

 

"Yeah, My Mustache Rules" 

http://thisisphotobomb.com/2010/02/10/yeah-my-mustache-rules/ 

  

Actually, I look at silly pics online all the time. Though maybe it would be less if I wasn't single. Nonetheless, these make me laugh.

I didn't get the musical gene

Here's a secret- one of my favorite abilities that a person can have is singing talent. I sometimes value that more than traits like kindness and honesty. So, even though my cousin and I haven't really gotten along since we were 11, I got to admit one thing- the girl can sing.

And apparently she is in a band in Kentucky where she goes to school. So for all of you who saw this link on Facebook and skipped over it; I'm going to post it again. It's not my kind of music, but it is good. Check it out:

http://thesowingseason.wordpress.com/2010/02/09/if-the-ice-wouldnt-melt/

Win or lose, sink or swim

I was looking at the TV guide while I was eating breakfast mainly because it was on the table near my seat, but also because I was wondering what other stations were going to play when the Super Bowl was on.  I mean, how do you compete with THE SUPER BOWL? Almost everybody watches it and some even consider it a religious holiday.

Well, guess what's on TBS at a similar time? Titanic. Titanic is my Super Bowl. I make a day long event out of watching it. Snacks are involved, but more like ice cream than potato chips, and so are emotional outbursts, but crying instead of of shouting.

The best part though is that it is nothing like the Super Bowl. It's an artful movie that absorbs you in its romance and horror. It's deep (lol). You usually cry at the end.

Though, I guess the crying part is true for the Super Bowl too, for the losing team.

It was like a nightmare

Picture it: Harper Cafeteria, sometime in December, 2-3 pm. I'm eating lunch listening to Bo Burnham like I had been doing for the past month. I sit in the middle of the caf even though I usually sit in the back. There is a group of loud, hefty boys across the room. I notice they keep on looking at the TV on the wall, so naturally, I look too.

The sight I saw on that TV was the strangest thing I have ever seen. It was a music video, although I couldn't hear it, which just made it more perplexing. It disturbed me. I kept on looking back to the TV, even though I tried to resist, because it when you see something that...different you can't help it. Plus, I wanted to look it up later.

So, enjoy:

http://www.mtvu.com/video/?vid=460919&title=Major_Lazer_-_Keep_It_Going_Louder

Kinda catchy, no?

Optimism

Things I'm liking about 2nd semester:

1. I finally figured out that the very odd-shaped Harper logo is actually an "H" in the negative space in the middle.

2. My English lit professor uses slang and Harry Potter references to help us understand Beowulf.

3.  The length of Weezer's album, Raditude, is almost exactly the same amount of time that I have for lunch on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

Pessimism

Things I'm not liking about 2nd semester:

1. My textbooks cost $440 which takes me 55 hours of working at Harper to make.

2. I actually have to work at my Harper job instead of going on Facebook.

3. My speech professor is the kind of person who is just too happy and nice about everything. You know what kind of person I'm talking about. It annoys me.

Fun fact

In my dream last night, I wrote a new blog post. I wish I remembered what it was because this is the lame post you get now.

PS: I have about 5 ideas for blog posts. I'm just too lazy to write them.

PS again: I had a better dream two nights ago where I got to fly and save the day by killing an evil woman with red streaks in her hair after a mid-air battle. Good imaginary times.

Updates from the middle ear

I took a shower today. Everyone around me is very thankful to be rid of the smell for it had been my first shower in a week. It has been six days since my ear surgery and I could tell I felt better today by my increasing annoyance at my mother.

My ear surgery was mainly to put in a prosthetic ear bone to replace a damaged one. It's titanium. So now my Uncle Pablo thinks we have so much in common because his wedding ring is titanium. Let's just hope my hearing works better than his marriage.

Blame it

I didn't have any New Years plans so I spent it with my family. This has its perks:

Chinese food -actually that didn't turn out so good. My vegetable dinner was pretty much just broccoli

Telestrations- this is a funny game combining telephone and drawing. We also played this with the kids at Christmas, but I think it is slightly more enjoyable when you don't have an annoying 13 year old writing things like "horse penis"

Alcohol- My parents finally decided to let us try some champagne. It was my first experience with a beverage of this sort. And it tasted...like vomit. I only had a few sips. Yet I somehow ended up with my mother recording me singing and dancing?