Chicken troubles

Went to the poultry farm today in class. We got to hold baby chicks. They had just hatched this morning. They were soooo cute and so soft. After picking that little guy up, all I could do was smile because he was just so adorable and it made my day. I was so happy, I had to tone down my smile lest my classmates think I'm uncool. But then my little chick started to be a little frustrating. He started pecking at me. Then he kept of turning around. He buried his head in my hand, then pecked at it some more. Then he was chirping really loudly. Then he kept trying to get away. I was the only person in my group who couldn't keep control of their chick. How embarrassing! And as all this was going on, I was supposed to be listening to a guy who was teaching us about the baby chicks, but I was too busy trying to keep mine from jumping out of my hands! Meanwhile the kid behind me said his chick fell asleep in his hand. How fricken cute is that?! Too cute too handle! Mine pooped on my hand.

What a dork

And by "What a dork" I obviously mean you for watching this whole thing. :P 

Mediocrity at its finest

My accomplishments of the past three days:

• I've exercised- gone for lengthy walks around campus. 
• I watched So You Think You Can Dance off my Hulu queue which had been there since July- it's an amazing show btw
• I actually did my animal science 101 homework yesterday unlike last time when I didn't do it
• I took the bus by myself and bought food from Wal-Mart- independence and no starvation, both pluses
• I finally got to see a Surviving the World Dante Shepherd Livestream-it had been forever since I last saw one
• I started writing again- writing crap, but it's still fun 
• I changed the background picture on my computer 

I know, I know, you all are really impressed. It's amazing what you can get done when you don't have to waste your time on things like a social life or friends. 

Things I still haven't gotten around to: 

• genetics and physics homework
• cleaning the bathroom
• doing laundry
• making friends

But let's be honest, those things weren't gonna happen anytime soon anyway. 

SAB IRL

I just read an article on Yahoo about two girls who found out they were switched at birth. I was more excited  about that than I should be. I mean, just like one of my favorite TV shows! Who would have thunk something like this actually happened? See, sometimes TV shows are not that crazy. Although, I shouldn't be excited because it probably freaked out and turned the world upside-down for these girls and their families. That's the problem with real life; TV is better. 

Here's the link to the Yahoo article. 

How about a nightmare to go with your crappy week?

A couple nights ago I had a dream that I was holding Wilbur at home. Then my parents thought I should let him run around on the floor. I was uncertain about that because I thought he might run under the railing and fall to the downstairs. So I let him run around and I was really nervous, but trying not to worry. And just as I thought I should go sit by the railing to block him if he tries to go under, he ran under, slid, and fell. And he died obviously, because guinea pigs can't handle that big of a fall. And seeing him laying there, on the ground, bloody and all broken, was just too much. When I woke-up, I wasn't all that relieved to remember that Wilbur is actually dead. Although at least he died peacefully in real life.

A poem

I've lost my mind

I've gone crackers

I've lost my crackers

The third one is the most upsetting.

(Because then how are you going to eat your Easy Cheese?) 

Read at own risk

I can't do this. School, everything, mainly school. I can't become a veterinarian. I'm not smart enough, I'm not hardworking, I'm unmotivated and lazy. I used to think I was smart. In high school I was smart. I was in the top 10% of my class. At Harper I was smart, I got good grades with barely any effort. In elementary school, oddly enough, I didn't consider myself smart back then. But I worked really hard. I used to love to learn and I would teach myself outside of school so I could impress my teachers. When did that stop? My senior year of high school when I got that acceptance letter to U of I, I was so motivated to show them I had what it takes and that was my best school year ever, which is how I slid into the top 10% by the way. But now? All I want to do is sleep all day. My classes are hard. Sometimes I see that as a fun challenge, but most of the time it's a pain in the ass that I don't want to deal with. The pressure to meet the expectations to get into vet school is too much. I can't get a 3.5 GPA. I don't even know if I can pass my physics class. Maybe it's because I don't study for my physics class. But why don't I study then if vet school is so important to me then? Becoming a vet was the only thing I ever really wanted in my whole life. I was fine that I couldn't play sports, that I sucked at dancing, that I was so bad at the flute that I didn't even hold it right and struggled to read music, that I didn't have any friends, that I never had a boyfriend- I wish those weren't true, but I was fine with them because I had my dream, the one thing I really, really, really wanted. But now, that it comes down to it, I just don't have what it takes. I have neither the smarts nor the motivation to do schoolwork. I can't talk to people, which pretty much means I can't have a normal life. I didn't go to the fricken Ag Career Fair today because of that. And because I'm stressed. Because there is too much to do and not enough time to do it. And even knowing that fact I am not working on any of the stuff I'm supposed to be working on. I'm still not doing anything. No, I'm fricken blogging! But I have to blog because I am stressed. And I've been spending the past two days trying to help a friend who I really care about and I don't think it did any good. It just stressed me out. And said friend doesn't know how much it hurts me. And said friend doesn't know how much I wish it didn't. It's easier not to care. Not to care about school or not to care about people. Letting people into your life sucks. And my friend was right about that. Even though I said it was wrong. Then why do we do it? Because were all masochists? Because it's human nature? Because it seemed like a good idea at the time? I think there's truth to two of those. If we don't care about anything in our lives then we do have the time to just sleep all day. Or play video games all day. I wish I could sleep all day. But that gets boring and depressing after a few days. And to try to live a lifetime like that just won't work. That's why we have to care about things. Like school and people. Caring about those things gives life meaning. It gives life hope. I know there are better things out there in life to experience. And I'm sure as hell not going to get to experience them by sitting in my bedroom all day, whether I be sleeping or studying in here. But I guess there are just things you have to do before you can experience them. Like, I'll never get to perform surgery unless I go to vet school and I'll never get to go to vet school unless I pass physics, and I'll never pass physics unless I wake-up! Wake-up to reality. This is life. Life is hard. And it sucks, most of the time. But all the times it doesn't suck, are worth the times it does. Because I do want to have a life. I want to have a boyfriend, I want to have friends, I want to play the flute, I want to go dancing at clubs in Chicago when I turn 21, and I want to go to vet school. I just need to be reminded sometimes. Which is hard because my lazy-ass, depressed side takes over and is the devil on my shoulder and I just want to give it all up. I need people in my life to help me. Be my friends, be the angel on my shoulder. Because I always help my friends, but I feel like nobody ever helps me. And maybe that's more my fault than I've been willing to admit in the past. I don't know how to talk to people. I don't know how to talk about the weather with people let alone open up about my deepest feelings. This is where this blog comes in. Because I can talk to you without rush and without judgement. And if you don't like what I'm saying then, yeah it hurts me, but at least you are not here. Because after I finish this post, that's it, that's all I have to say. For now. But I really feel like I got it all out. I read a book once that was titled "This is All" and it was 800 pages. This is my all. All of my deepest feelings, from the last couple days and some from the last couple months and years, but mostly from the last couple hours. Because as I sat here, staring at my closed physics notebook with the 8pm test approaching, all I could think about was this stuff and I just wanted to tell somebody. I just wanted somebody  to listen. If you are reading this post, you are lucky because I was thinking about not publishing it. This post sounds like something better suited for my diary. It's private and it's personal. But it's also life. Real life. So, sorry I haven't been blogging cute, little funny stories like I usually do, but ever since I came to school here my world has been turned upside-down. I feel better after writing this, but the truth is, I'm still as confused as ever. But I guess that's just life. That's all.

Myself with a little help from God and ISU

During Destination Iowa State which was the weekend before classes started, we wrote letters to ourselves, sort of. Well back then I knew I would need a little encouragement. My letter to myself says simply: "Have fun with your life at school! I hope your classes are swell and you (me) are pursuing your dreams to become a veterinarian. Don't forget to work hard and keep your chin up!" Then there's a smiley face. That couldn't have come at a better time. Thanks me from August 20th, I really needed it right now.

I would like to extend these encouraging words to everyone. Just because you didn't get a letter doesn't mean you shouldn't keep your chin up and smile. You have a beautiful smile. 

But no need to break out the tissues just yet

I've been very homesick recently. I've been trying to keep my cool when I talk to my family but really all I want to do is scream  "I MISS YOU!" But like I said, that would be uncool, not to mention release a whole bunch of emotions, which would probably lead to crying. It has been hard reading people's statuses and tweets about going home to P-Town for fall breaks because I don't have a fall break, but I would love to go home. I watched Chicago last night, the musical staring Renee Zellweger, and every time they said "Illinois" or "Cook County" I was like, "I MISS YOU."  Not those are great places to live, but it's home (and P-Town is a good place to live).

I was doing ok after the first couple weeks of school, in terms of not missing home that much. Because, let's face it I really wanted to get out of that place and I was two years overdue. Also, because I knew I wouldn't be able to come home until Thanksgiving break, which seemed forever away in August. Well, now it's October and past mid-terms and all I can think about is going home and seeing my family the week of Thanksgiving. Seriously, ALL I can think about. Those crazy people mean everything to me.

It's a good thing though, that I picked a school six hours away though. Because anything less than four hours and I would be home every weekend. And then I wouldn't get very much growing up in, now would I? Although, right now that doesn't sound so bad.

My fav five people and me. 

A trumpet fanfare to announce it would help

Oh man, it's October now. Crazy, when did that happen? I'm so shocked every time the month changes. Like I was so used to the old month and now it's like Bam! new month, new stuff. For example, October means Halloween. It also means real fall. September has fall, but it's not the same. October is more long-sleeve shirts, raking, and pumpkins hence real fall. Except for currently, the weather has been warm. And don't get me wrong, I'm loving the 80 degree days, but it's just confusing. As if the changing of the month normally isn't confusing enough. Like remembering to flip your calender, is hard to remember sometimes. Because if you haven't realized, it's now October 9th and I'm writing this as if it were October 1st. Anyways, I had to get this out of my system, because seriously, it gets me every time.