Read at own risk

I can't do this. School, everything, mainly school. I can't become a veterinarian. I'm not smart enough, I'm not hardworking, I'm unmotivated and lazy. I used to think I was smart. In high school I was smart. I was in the top 10% of my class. At Harper I was smart, I got good grades with barely any effort. In elementary school, oddly enough, I didn't consider myself smart back then. But I worked really hard. I used to love to learn and I would teach myself outside of school so I could impress my teachers. When did that stop? My senior year of high school when I got that acceptance letter to U of I, I was so motivated to show them I had what it takes and that was my best school year ever, which is how I slid into the top 10% by the way. But now? All I want to do is sleep all day. My classes are hard. Sometimes I see that as a fun challenge, but most of the time it's a pain in the ass that I don't want to deal with. The pressure to meet the expectations to get into vet school is too much. I can't get a 3.5 GPA. I don't even know if I can pass my physics class. Maybe it's because I don't study for my physics class. But why don't I study then if vet school is so important to me then? Becoming a vet was the only thing I ever really wanted in my whole life. I was fine that I couldn't play sports, that I sucked at dancing, that I was so bad at the flute that I didn't even hold it right and struggled to read music, that I didn't have any friends, that I never had a boyfriend- I wish those weren't true, but I was fine with them because I had my dream, the one thing I really, really, really wanted. But now, that it comes down to it, I just don't have what it takes. I have neither the smarts nor the motivation to do schoolwork. I can't talk to people, which pretty much means I can't have a normal life. I didn't go to the fricken Ag Career Fair today because of that. And because I'm stressed. Because there is too much to do and not enough time to do it. And even knowing that fact I am not working on any of the stuff I'm supposed to be working on. I'm still not doing anything. No, I'm fricken blogging! But I have to blog because I am stressed. And I've been spending the past two days trying to help a friend who I really care about and I don't think it did any good. It just stressed me out. And said friend doesn't know how much it hurts me. And said friend doesn't know how much I wish it didn't. It's easier not to care. Not to care about school or not to care about people. Letting people into your life sucks. And my friend was right about that. Even though I said it was wrong. Then why do we do it? Because were all masochists? Because it's human nature? Because it seemed like a good idea at the time? I think there's truth to two of those. If we don't care about anything in our lives then we do have the time to just sleep all day. Or play video games all day. I wish I could sleep all day. But that gets boring and depressing after a few days. And to try to live a lifetime like that just won't work. That's why we have to care about things. Like school and people. Caring about those things gives life meaning. It gives life hope. I know there are better things out there in life to experience. And I'm sure as hell not going to get to experience them by sitting in my bedroom all day, whether I be sleeping or studying in here. But I guess there are just things you have to do before you can experience them. Like, I'll never get to perform surgery unless I go to vet school and I'll never get to go to vet school unless I pass physics, and I'll never pass physics unless I wake-up! Wake-up to reality. This is life. Life is hard. And it sucks, most of the time. But all the times it doesn't suck, are worth the times it does. Because I do want to have a life. I want to have a boyfriend, I want to have friends, I want to play the flute, I want to go dancing at clubs in Chicago when I turn 21, and I want to go to vet school. I just need to be reminded sometimes. Which is hard because my lazy-ass, depressed side takes over and is the devil on my shoulder and I just want to give it all up. I need people in my life to help me. Be my friends, be the angel on my shoulder. Because I always help my friends, but I feel like nobody ever helps me. And maybe that's more my fault than I've been willing to admit in the past. I don't know how to talk to people. I don't know how to talk about the weather with people let alone open up about my deepest feelings. This is where this blog comes in. Because I can talk to you without rush and without judgement. And if you don't like what I'm saying then, yeah it hurts me, but at least you are not here. Because after I finish this post, that's it, that's all I have to say. For now. But I really feel like I got it all out. I read a book once that was titled "This is All" and it was 800 pages. This is my all. All of my deepest feelings, from the last couple days and some from the last couple months and years, but mostly from the last couple hours. Because as I sat here, staring at my closed physics notebook with the 8pm test approaching, all I could think about was this stuff and I just wanted to tell somebody. I just wanted somebody  to listen. If you are reading this post, you are lucky because I was thinking about not publishing it. This post sounds like something better suited for my diary. It's private and it's personal. But it's also life. Real life. So, sorry I haven't been blogging cute, little funny stories like I usually do, but ever since I came to school here my world has been turned upside-down. I feel better after writing this, but the truth is, I'm still as confused as ever. But I guess that's just life. That's all.