Another long, emotional post you don't want to read

So yeah, it has been a little while since my last post. It has only been a couple weeks actually but it feels like forever. And now I'm only even doing it because I'm putting off studying. That's what I do when something is bothering me- I just don't deal with it. Yesterday I was like study machine. But now that I have an exam in my hardest class tomorrow I feel really anxious, and it's really backwards but looking at my notes is just going to make me more nervous. Better not to think about it.

I just watched the Grey's Anatomy episode from two years ago where everybody gets shot. It is a really sad and emotional video. I cried. When it first came out, I cried then too but it was the only TV show that ever made me cry, until then just the movie Pay It Forward and that episode made me cry. And of course stupid things during certain times of the month.

Now though, I cry all the time. I feel like an emotional wreck. If last summer was titled "The Summer Sarah and I Went to Target" (we went to Target constantly last summer-sometimes multiple times a day), then this school year is "The Year I Cried." It's gotten to the point where it's hard for me just to go for walks around campus just for fun or to enjoy nice weather because so many times I only went for walks to clear my head and usually I had tears in my eyes.

It is not like anything devastating has happened to me this year. It's still just little things for the most part. But it is a different environment being away at school and I'm still not used to it. Don't get me wrong, I love that it's different-it's what I wanted more than anything else in the world: to go away to school.

I think the problem is that I'm lonely. At home I felt lonely a lot because I didn't have any good friends. My good friends were away at college and those who were left weren't reliable. But I wasn't lonely at home really. I had my family; My mom was always there for me to give me hugs when I needed it. I also had two jobs with some really great people who I got used to seeing and it was harder than I thought it would be to leave them. I always complained about how much I hated working at the nursing home, but there are some really great people there. There are amazing people at ADS too. I felt like I belonged.

Here I have, oh let me count, a whole two friends. Wow, that's a lot. One of 'em I don't hang out with much and when we do it's a little awkward because of multiple reasons but mainly because he is 8 years older than me.

My other friend, well I could probably write a whole post just on him alone. To make it short, he is my best friend, but also my ex-boyfriend. As good as our friendship is, it is tainted by the fact that he hurt me twice by breaking up with me. Not only that but he is constantly hurting me now because he is keeping me in some grey zone between dating and friends and it absolutely sucks. I am so confused. I only let it go on because I am unwilling to admit that it is over between us. Now, I don't know what he thinks about it, I tried talking to him a couple times, but it didn't work. But more and more I am seeing that I need to get out of this fuzzy zone. I need to stop hurting. He's all I can think about, but I haven't done anything about it because, like I said above, dealing with it would just make it worse. I don't want it to feel like a third break-up, which it will.

And don't even get me started about how I've messed up my life and everything I ever wanted by getting bad grades! I cry over that all the time too. And look, here I am supposed to be studying for an exam and instead I'm blogging about how bad grades make me sad. It's a vicious cycle.

To make matters worse, the ones I would always turn to to make everything better for me with their unconditional love were my guinea pigs. And they are all gone. Though, come to think of it I don't think it was unconditional. I think it was, you give us food, we will let you play with us. I miss my cutie pies.

Ok, wow, this post got long fast. How many long, emotional posts am I going to write this year? Probably more than you wanted to read, right? But, Blogger, I can always count on you to let me get all my thoughts together and spill my feelings. And after all this is "The year I Cried." There will more interesting blog posts next year, I promise. Well, if I can get my shit together by then. That's probably unrealistic. Does anybody have their shit together?

But no need to break out the tissues just yet

I've been very homesick recently. I've been trying to keep my cool when I talk to my family but really all I want to do is scream  "I MISS YOU!" But like I said, that would be uncool, not to mention release a whole bunch of emotions, which would probably lead to crying. It has been hard reading people's statuses and tweets about going home to P-Town for fall breaks because I don't have a fall break, but I would love to go home. I watched Chicago last night, the musical staring Renee Zellweger, and every time they said "Illinois" or "Cook County" I was like, "I MISS YOU."  Not those are great places to live, but it's home (and P-Town is a good place to live).

I was doing ok after the first couple weeks of school, in terms of not missing home that much. Because, let's face it I really wanted to get out of that place and I was two years overdue. Also, because I knew I wouldn't be able to come home until Thanksgiving break, which seemed forever away in August. Well, now it's October and past mid-terms and all I can think about is going home and seeing my family the week of Thanksgiving. Seriously, ALL I can think about. Those crazy people mean everything to me.

It's a good thing though, that I picked a school six hours away though. Because anything less than four hours and I would be home every weekend. And then I wouldn't get very much growing up in, now would I? Although, right now that doesn't sound so bad.

My fav five people and me. 

Rodent Girl Lisa smile

Today was my last full day of classes at high school. Which is well...what?

Last full day of classes means tomorrow I still have half my classes. Which means a test in English. But it also means half of my classes today were the last ones. I was really glad to be done with Spanish. That class was torture all year. Plus, it doesn't help when you don't understand what's going on. Last day of psychology meant I should be sad. It was a great class with a great teacher, but I'm not. All I could think of was "how does the movie end?" Band was a different matter. Yesterday, after I got my marching band uniform dry cleaned, I was like, "It's so pretty [it hadn't been cleaned in a while] I'll miss you uniform." As dorky as that thing was, I liked wearing it. I had a friend who was sobbing in band. That Pomp and Circumstance is pretty tear provoking. Especially, when your not the one playing it (when you are playing it, it's more like painfully annoying).

As I was walking home today, I was thinking about everything. Here I was, backpack on my back-filled with crap from the whole school year, U of I t-shirt on my body, and my graduation gown in a bag in my hand. I was getting kind of emotional. Not to mention I really had to pee, which didn't help.

So, yes, even though I can't wait to get out of this place- I'm gonna miss it.

I'm freaking out about college too. Long time ago, I thought, we don't go to college. That's something that happens to other people and to people on tv. It seems unreal to me- going to college. My older brother went to community college this year and my parents never went to college. I have no one to tell me the secrets. I have no clue of what to expect. It's like I'm going swimming, and I'm about to jump in the water. Except, the water is cold and I'm afraid of fish (I always swim in a lake- there's no other way). And when I jump in, what if my bathing suit rises up or snaps or something (this sometimes happens with a two-piece. Another reason for swimming in a lake- it's not as clear).

I'm sorry for the swimming analogy, but it's almost summer so what do you expect? I never said I was a creative genius.

My point is that today was my last full day of classes in high school and I am sad and happy and scared.