Another long, emotional post you don't want to read

So yeah, it has been a little while since my last post. It has only been a couple weeks actually but it feels like forever. And now I'm only even doing it because I'm putting off studying. That's what I do when something is bothering me- I just don't deal with it. Yesterday I was like study machine. But now that I have an exam in my hardest class tomorrow I feel really anxious, and it's really backwards but looking at my notes is just going to make me more nervous. Better not to think about it.

I just watched the Grey's Anatomy episode from two years ago where everybody gets shot. It is a really sad and emotional video. I cried. When it first came out, I cried then too but it was the only TV show that ever made me cry, until then just the movie Pay It Forward and that episode made me cry. And of course stupid things during certain times of the month.

Now though, I cry all the time. I feel like an emotional wreck. If last summer was titled "The Summer Sarah and I Went to Target" (we went to Target constantly last summer-sometimes multiple times a day), then this school year is "The Year I Cried." It's gotten to the point where it's hard for me just to go for walks around campus just for fun or to enjoy nice weather because so many times I only went for walks to clear my head and usually I had tears in my eyes.

It is not like anything devastating has happened to me this year. It's still just little things for the most part. But it is a different environment being away at school and I'm still not used to it. Don't get me wrong, I love that it's different-it's what I wanted more than anything else in the world: to go away to school.

I think the problem is that I'm lonely. At home I felt lonely a lot because I didn't have any good friends. My good friends were away at college and those who were left weren't reliable. But I wasn't lonely at home really. I had my family; My mom was always there for me to give me hugs when I needed it. I also had two jobs with some really great people who I got used to seeing and it was harder than I thought it would be to leave them. I always complained about how much I hated working at the nursing home, but there are some really great people there. There are amazing people at ADS too. I felt like I belonged.

Here I have, oh let me count, a whole two friends. Wow, that's a lot. One of 'em I don't hang out with much and when we do it's a little awkward because of multiple reasons but mainly because he is 8 years older than me.

My other friend, well I could probably write a whole post just on him alone. To make it short, he is my best friend, but also my ex-boyfriend. As good as our friendship is, it is tainted by the fact that he hurt me twice by breaking up with me. Not only that but he is constantly hurting me now because he is keeping me in some grey zone between dating and friends and it absolutely sucks. I am so confused. I only let it go on because I am unwilling to admit that it is over between us. Now, I don't know what he thinks about it, I tried talking to him a couple times, but it didn't work. But more and more I am seeing that I need to get out of this fuzzy zone. I need to stop hurting. He's all I can think about, but I haven't done anything about it because, like I said above, dealing with it would just make it worse. I don't want it to feel like a third break-up, which it will.

And don't even get me started about how I've messed up my life and everything I ever wanted by getting bad grades! I cry over that all the time too. And look, here I am supposed to be studying for an exam and instead I'm blogging about how bad grades make me sad. It's a vicious cycle.

To make matters worse, the ones I would always turn to to make everything better for me with their unconditional love were my guinea pigs. And they are all gone. Though, come to think of it I don't think it was unconditional. I think it was, you give us food, we will let you play with us. I miss my cutie pies.

Ok, wow, this post got long fast. How many long, emotional posts am I going to write this year? Probably more than you wanted to read, right? But, Blogger, I can always count on you to let me get all my thoughts together and spill my feelings. And after all this is "The year I Cried." There will more interesting blog posts next year, I promise. Well, if I can get my shit together by then. That's probably unrealistic. Does anybody have their shit together?