Drowning my sorrows in marshmallow fluff

I spent the whole day doing nothing. I baby-sat in the morning, but after that I did nothing. I watched DVD's of Grey's Anatomy and ate junk food all day long. I totally ignored all my plans to study, fill out college applications, and anything thing else important to do. Sometimes I like to have days like this-where I do nothing. I feel guilty because I feel like I don't do that much to begin with and I already do a whole lot of nothing. I know sometimes people like to take days off for a "mental health day", and I guess that's kind of what it is for me except, on these days, I feel like shit.

I get really mad at my friends sometimes. I believe the Apples To Apples card says, "with friends like these who needs enemies?" Or even if that's not what the card says it matter because that still describes my friends.

I'm really shy. It's something I can't help, I don't know why it's just the way I am. It's really hard for me to talk to people I don't know very well. What's even harder is that a lot of people don't understand that. Hell, I don't even understand it, but that's just the way I am and I accept it.

My social life has never been very good. Because of my shyness, it's hard to me to make friends. For the longest time I didn't have any real friends besides my two best friends who I've known since the fourth grade. But last year I decided I wanted a better social life, I wanted more friends, and I wanted to talk. And ever since then, I've been trying really hard to talk to people. Believe it or not I've gotten better at talking to people, and I'm really proud of myself for it. I'm still socially inept, but I'm working hard at talking to people, and I want everyone to see that.

I'm not where I want to be though. I was hoping, since it's my senior year that I would get asked to homecoming. I think though I started my "new person" too late. I never got the chance to talk to male-classmate enough to become close to him. It makes me really sad because I'm not looking forward to this year's homecoming. The past three years, I've gone to homecoming single and with my friends and it was awesome. But I don't want to go this year. All of my friends have dates, and so does everybody else-except for me, and the people who don't- are not going to homecoming. I'm forcing myself to go though because that's what the new me does. I force my self to go places, I force myself to hang out with my friends, and I force myself to do things like will never get to do again- like my senior-year homecoming.

What I hate the most, is that my friends don't care. They don't care that I'm sitting here crying as I type this right now. They are all at a party I wasn't invited to. And when I talk to them, they don't listen. I listen, to them and all of their problems, but nobody ever listens to me. I'm bad at talking and I'm lucky if I can get a stupid sentence into the conversation, but I never get to say anything real. Nobody at that school besides my best friend and my sister are even close to knowing who I am, and even those two don't know as much as they should.

I know I'm not always a very good friend or a very good sister, but I always listen to them. I let them go on and on about their problems or their accomplishments, but I feel like nobody wants to know about my problems or my accomplishments. I'm just the shy, quiet, lazy to girl to everyone.

That's why I'm writing this blog. These are my true feelings. I don't know if I even would have written this in my diary. I'm usually not truthful to myself. I let myself think I am the the good-for-nothing shy, lazy girl.

But I'm writing this to let everybody know that I am important. I have thoughts and feelings and I like talking. I just want my friends to listen to me. I just want my friends to be my real friends. I'm not the girl who just sits there while everybody else is having fun. It may seem like it, but you know, when I'm just sitting there I'm laughing too and I'm thinking. I'm just not good at getting a word in when everybody else is talking.

I don't know if anybody's going to read this. Rinny and Ryan maybe will eventually. I don't know if anything I just wrote will actually make sense or if those who tried to read it even made it this far.

I just want to let everybody know how I feel so I can stop drowning my sorrows in marshmallow fluff and so I can stop pretending I'm scary and damaged Meredith Grey- because I'm not.