I always make bad decisions. No matter what it is. Whether it putting off working on a paper by blogging like I'm doing right now or like what happened a little earlier.
For some reason I thought it would be a good idea to eat like four platefuls of spaghetti. I know it's too many calories, but hey, I love spaghetti. And stuffing myself had sort of become a thursday nigtht tradition for me. In other words, I do it all the time, no big deal.
So the spaghetti was all delicious and all. I finished it, talked to some people on Facebook, and since time had passed I thought it would be a good idea to have some dessert: two chocolate marshmallow eggs. After that, I was finally gonna start my paper, so I had to have a caffeinated orange juice beverage so I could stay awake to write my paper.
As I sat there, trying to think out an outline, I realized my tummy was really full. Then I had to lay down. I figured let it all digest and it will be fine. But my tummy ache got so bad that I couldn't even listen to fast songs on my iPod because that made it worse.
Then the feeling of having to throw up started creeping up on me. I tried to fight it off like I always do, with my mantra, "I don't have to throw up, I don't have to throw up." But it didn't work. And as I sat on the floor by the toilet, I couldn't help but to think, "This is much less annoying when you're drunk."
Still haven't started that paper...
The true stories of a girl who became obsessed with them.
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Being upset is too many calories
The moment you realize your dreams are completely crushed feels like a handful of Oreos in your mouth.
The subsequent moments feel like a stomach-ache.
So yesterday I found out I got a bad grade on a test in an important class. Before I found that out I still had hope. I had been studying a lot more than I was before, and one exam grade for that class gets dropped and I thought this test would turn things around. Except it didn't, it was horrible, and now I have two horrible exam grades for that class. It's not just any class either, it's like one of the foundation ones for everything I had wanted to do. So this in combination with hormones set off the waterworks yesterday.
It was interesting to experience depression for a day. At the time I thought it was interesting, but I didn't really care. I did really just want to lay in bed, stare at the wall, and eat junk food all day. Which I was doing pretty well in until friend made me get out of bed (and wouldn't let me eat any more junk food), but I was still just really sad and to him I was slightly bitchy. So, sorry about that.
Yesterday I felt like I had experienced a loss. It was the same kind of deep sadness I felt after a break-up and when Wilbur died (although the pain in those was much stronger). I really feel like the vet-school goal is over. It's not possible for me to get it. It's not going to be possible. So I don't really want my friends and family bugging me about it, I just want to move on and find something else.
Although the depression may linger. I'm still sad, I'm still stressed out about school and the million things I have to do, and tomorrow is Good Friday- Jesus dying is pretty sad.
On the plus side: Titanic and Easter!
The subsequent moments feel like a stomach-ache.
So yesterday I found out I got a bad grade on a test in an important class. Before I found that out I still had hope. I had been studying a lot more than I was before, and one exam grade for that class gets dropped and I thought this test would turn things around. Except it didn't, it was horrible, and now I have two horrible exam grades for that class. It's not just any class either, it's like one of the foundation ones for everything I had wanted to do. So this in combination with hormones set off the waterworks yesterday.
It was interesting to experience depression for a day. At the time I thought it was interesting, but I didn't really care. I did really just want to lay in bed, stare at the wall, and eat junk food all day. Which I was doing pretty well in until friend made me get out of bed (and wouldn't let me eat any more junk food), but I was still just really sad and to him I was slightly bitchy. So, sorry about that.
Yesterday I felt like I had experienced a loss. It was the same kind of deep sadness I felt after a break-up and when Wilbur died (although the pain in those was much stronger). I really feel like the vet-school goal is over. It's not possible for me to get it. It's not going to be possible. So I don't really want my friends and family bugging me about it, I just want to move on and find something else.
Although the depression may linger. I'm still sad, I'm still stressed out about school and the million things I have to do, and tomorrow is Good Friday- Jesus dying is pretty sad.
On the plus side: Titanic and Easter!
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Another long, emotional post you don't want to read
So yeah, it has been a little while since my last post. It has only been a couple weeks actually but it feels like forever. And now I'm only even doing it because I'm putting off studying. That's what I do when something is bothering me- I just don't deal with it. Yesterday I was like study machine. But now that I have an exam in my hardest class tomorrow I feel really anxious, and it's really backwards but looking at my notes is just going to make me more nervous. Better not to think about it.
I just watched the Grey's Anatomy episode from two years ago where everybody gets shot. It is a really sad and emotional video. I cried. When it first came out, I cried then too but it was the only TV show that ever made me cry, until then just the movie Pay It Forward and that episode made me cry. And of course stupid things during certain times of the month.
Now though, I cry all the time. I feel like an emotional wreck. If last summer was titled "The Summer Sarah and I Went to Target" (we went to Target constantly last summer-sometimes multiple times a day), then this school year is "The Year I Cried." It's gotten to the point where it's hard for me just to go for walks around campus just for fun or to enjoy nice weather because so many times I only went for walks to clear my head and usually I had tears in my eyes.
It is not like anything devastating has happened to me this year. It's still just little things for the most part. But it is a different environment being away at school and I'm still not used to it. Don't get me wrong, I love that it's different-it's what I wanted more than anything else in the world: to go away to school.
I think the problem is that I'm lonely. At home I felt lonely a lot because I didn't have any good friends. My good friends were away at college and those who were left weren't reliable. But I wasn't lonely at home really. I had my family; My mom was always there for me to give me hugs when I needed it. I also had two jobs with some really great people who I got used to seeing and it was harder than I thought it would be to leave them. I always complained about how much I hated working at the nursing home, but there are some really great people there. There are amazing people at ADS too. I felt like I belonged.
Here I have, oh let me count, a whole two friends. Wow, that's a lot. One of 'em I don't hang out with much and when we do it's a little awkward because of multiple reasons but mainly because he is 8 years older than me.
My other friend, well I could probably write a whole post just on him alone. To make it short, he is my best friend, but also my ex-boyfriend. As good as our friendship is, it is tainted by the fact that he hurt me twice by breaking up with me. Not only that but he is constantly hurting me now because he is keeping me in some grey zone between dating and friends and it absolutely sucks. I am so confused. I only let it go on because I am unwilling to admit that it is over between us. Now, I don't know what he thinks about it, I tried talking to him a couple times, but it didn't work. But more and more I am seeing that I need to get out of this fuzzy zone. I need to stop hurting. He's all I can think about, but I haven't done anything about it because, like I said above, dealing with it would just make it worse. I don't want it to feel like a third break-up, which it will.
And don't even get me started about how I've messed up my life and everything I ever wanted by getting bad grades! I cry over that all the time too. And look, here I am supposed to be studying for an exam and instead I'm blogging about how bad grades make me sad. It's a vicious cycle.
To make matters worse, the ones I would always turn to to make everything better for me with their unconditional love were my guinea pigs. And they are all gone. Though, come to think of it I don't think it was unconditional. I think it was, you give us food, we will let you play with us. I miss my cutie pies.
Ok, wow, this post got long fast. How many long, emotional posts am I going to write this year? Probably more than you wanted to read, right? But, Blogger, I can always count on you to let me get all my thoughts together and spill my feelings. And after all this is "The year I Cried." There will more interesting blog posts next year, I promise. Well, if I can get my shit together by then. That's probably unrealistic. Does anybody have their shit together?
I just watched the Grey's Anatomy episode from two years ago where everybody gets shot. It is a really sad and emotional video. I cried. When it first came out, I cried then too but it was the only TV show that ever made me cry, until then just the movie Pay It Forward and that episode made me cry. And of course stupid things during certain times of the month.
Now though, I cry all the time. I feel like an emotional wreck. If last summer was titled "The Summer Sarah and I Went to Target" (we went to Target constantly last summer-sometimes multiple times a day), then this school year is "The Year I Cried." It's gotten to the point where it's hard for me just to go for walks around campus just for fun or to enjoy nice weather because so many times I only went for walks to clear my head and usually I had tears in my eyes.
It is not like anything devastating has happened to me this year. It's still just little things for the most part. But it is a different environment being away at school and I'm still not used to it. Don't get me wrong, I love that it's different-it's what I wanted more than anything else in the world: to go away to school.
I think the problem is that I'm lonely. At home I felt lonely a lot because I didn't have any good friends. My good friends were away at college and those who were left weren't reliable. But I wasn't lonely at home really. I had my family; My mom was always there for me to give me hugs when I needed it. I also had two jobs with some really great people who I got used to seeing and it was harder than I thought it would be to leave them. I always complained about how much I hated working at the nursing home, but there are some really great people there. There are amazing people at ADS too. I felt like I belonged.
Here I have, oh let me count, a whole two friends. Wow, that's a lot. One of 'em I don't hang out with much and when we do it's a little awkward because of multiple reasons but mainly because he is 8 years older than me.
My other friend, well I could probably write a whole post just on him alone. To make it short, he is my best friend, but also my ex-boyfriend. As good as our friendship is, it is tainted by the fact that he hurt me twice by breaking up with me. Not only that but he is constantly hurting me now because he is keeping me in some grey zone between dating and friends and it absolutely sucks. I am so confused. I only let it go on because I am unwilling to admit that it is over between us. Now, I don't know what he thinks about it, I tried talking to him a couple times, but it didn't work. But more and more I am seeing that I need to get out of this fuzzy zone. I need to stop hurting. He's all I can think about, but I haven't done anything about it because, like I said above, dealing with it would just make it worse. I don't want it to feel like a third break-up, which it will.
And don't even get me started about how I've messed up my life and everything I ever wanted by getting bad grades! I cry over that all the time too. And look, here I am supposed to be studying for an exam and instead I'm blogging about how bad grades make me sad. It's a vicious cycle.
To make matters worse, the ones I would always turn to to make everything better for me with their unconditional love were my guinea pigs. And they are all gone. Though, come to think of it I don't think it was unconditional. I think it was, you give us food, we will let you play with us. I miss my cutie pies.
Ok, wow, this post got long fast. How many long, emotional posts am I going to write this year? Probably more than you wanted to read, right? But, Blogger, I can always count on you to let me get all my thoughts together and spill my feelings. And after all this is "The year I Cried." There will more interesting blog posts next year, I promise. Well, if I can get my shit together by then. That's probably unrealistic. Does anybody have their shit together?
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Summer for a day
It was so nice out today-80 degrees! Funny to remember that it is still technically winter. But the weather was awesome for spring break. My sister and I were outside tanning today and my aunt walked by and was like, "What are you guys pretending it's Florida or something?" Lol. I do have a slight tan, which is good. No more of that pasty, sickly winter look. I'm ready for summer weather, though not ready for summer. I got to get my grades up for this second half of the semester and I intend to try really hard to do that. Also, even though I only made a couple friends at school, I'm going to miss them this summer. Plus this summer I'm going to have to spend more time preparing fecal floats and less time swimming in the lake. #PreVetProblems #HashtagsonBlogger
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Why I like Kesha
How I'm spending my spring break:
And lots and lots of shopping. Yesterday I made my mom take my to my favorite cosmetics store. It felt so good to be girly! At school I only hang out with guys and watch guy TV. I may have overcompensated though for my lack of girly stuff by only buying make-up that was purple and really, really sparkly. Can't be too sparkly in my opinion-and the more glitter the better!
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