Regrets and mistakes, they're memories made

Did you know that I've spent the whole day thinking about you? No, you don't. Because I would never admit that to you, well to your face anyway. I don't want to seem pathetic, needy, or lame, but you were on my mind the whole day. I was barely able to pay attention in my first two classes because I've been trying to figure out why what happened happened; I really don't understand, and the more I think about it, the more I think it shouldn't have happened.

Now, the first time you broke up with me I promised my myself no blog posts about emotional relationship issues because that is pathetic, lame, and just plain boring. But I can't keep these feelings in and I can't tell them to anyone, so this is my only shot at trying to ease my mind.

The "why" of our break-up is what I don't understand. We both really care about each other and we had fun being together so why would we want to end that? So it doesn't hurt more later. That was your response. And yesterday I accepted that, but today I don't.

You asked me yesterday, "Are we going to last?" and you wanted a definite answer. I couldn't give that to you. And the reason I couldn't give that to you isn't because I intended to break-up with you sometime in the near future. Admittedly, I had thought about it. But I had thought about it for weeks and decided against it, you thought about it for less than an hour then rushed to end our relationship. I couldn't give you a concrete answer because well I can't predict the future, no one can. And yes, the odds were against us: we have virtually nothing in common, you were my first boyfriend, and had we stayed together we would have ended up probably living thousands of miles apart after we finished school. But I can't say for sure whether something will last. I can't say it won't either.

And isn't that the point of dating? That's what you do in dating, you see how far it goes. You don't cut it off early because you are afraid of getting hurt. Think about if you treated all of your relationships, past and future, that way. You would never get anywhere. We weren't even together for 3 months. For me, that was a lot because I had never had a boyfriend before, but in the grand scheme of things it is nothing at all. Any relationship you enter, carries the potential of heart break, but if you break them off after such short periods of time, yeah you won't get to feel the "love is evil" hurt, but you won't get to experience the joys of love either. I assume you want to find somebody to love sometime in your life. Truth is, you just don't know what is going to happen. And if you live life cautiously like that, life is going to be boring. I'm pretty sure you've bugged me before about being too cautious, but here you are doing it with something much bigger. Anyways, dating, the point is just to try things out anyway. If you were looking for a commitment from dating, you are in the wrong culture. You need to go into one where you court a woman, or have an arranged marriage or something. Dating is like an experiment, and if you stop it early, you have no way of telling what the results would be. Can't write a paper with that data- it's insufficient.

And I really don't understand why a person would try to take away good things in their life. Life is sucky enough, if there's something or someone we like, we need more of it- not less! We care about each other, right? We like being together? We have fun being together? We have fun being more than friends? Why would you take that away? I was fighting back tears all morning. Being with you makes me happy, end of story. To me, that's enough. The future? It'll work itself out with time. But for the present all I want is to do things that make me happy.

Now if you really just didn't want to be with me anymore, that I understand. The fact that we are total opposites was too much for you? That's a legitimate reason for a break-up. And here's a secret: opposites attract. And boy, I sure as hell am attracted to you.

So I guess all I want you to do is think about all of this. I'm not going to ask you to take me back-I would never do that to you. However, I think it was a mistake and I don't want you to make the same mistake with someone else in the future. Being friends with you, is not enough for me. But I will take it, if it's all I'm going to get. We are still best friends, no matter what.

One last thing I want to talk about. It involves something I promised myself I would never tell you so please regard my decision to tell you now seriously. When your previous relationship had broken up and you were a wreck, I had no idea what to tell you because I had never been in a relationship before. So I asked a friend what I should tell you and one of the first things he asked me was if I had feelings for you. Well, it wasn't something I had really thought about because I wasn't going to let myself crush on a guy who has a girlfriend, but at that moment I realized I did, and told my friend, "Well yes, but I don't care about that. I just want him to be happy." My friend's next piece of advice was to tell you to try to get her back. Which I did tell you, because I've always just wanted for you to be happy. That's also why I didn't fight for you the first time you broke up with me. And now I still want you to be happy. Please do what makes you happy, not just do what will hurt less.

I'm also going to admit, last night when I was thinking about our break-up and our continuing friendship, the thought of you with another girl made me want to barf a little. So, I hope that feeling will get better with time and I guess, for the first time, I will have to put effort into wanting you to be happy no matter what.

Speaking of last night, it took all the self-control I had to not touch you as we were sitting on the couch. So, am I a fool for admitting all of these feelings to you and to cyber-space? Maybe. I'm definitely embarrassed. But I had to tell you and I had to get it out. Maybe being just friends with you will be easier now that I've told you everything. I hope so because it has only been a day and a half and it's really hard. But I'm good, honestly, so don't worry about me.

"Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead" -Adele