Idiot

A lot of my friends are in town from their colleges and decided to get together tonight to go to Laser Quest. My friend, KW, mentioned it a while ago and invited me because previously I had not heard.

If you are unfamiliar with my story, I've had a lot of problems all throughout high school with friends not inviting me to things. And part of it is my fault because I'm shy and all the bad things that go along with that. But it hurts when all of your "friends" are hanging out and you're not.

So tonight I was upset when I saw that KW said on Facebook that she was going to LQ, and once again no one told me about it. I even complained to one bff who has always tried to stick up for me, who in turn, texted another friend and complained to him about it.

Well, a few minutes ago I realized I needed to charge my phone and I see that I have a text. It's from KW. From hours ago. Asking if I need a ride to LQ. FML

Sorry, everyone! I love you all!

Cut the CRAP

Ever since my last class got out today, I've wanted to swear a lot. The teacher of my last class (philosophy) has swears incorporated into his everyday language. I mean, he FUCKING swears the SHIT out of everything! I had to remind myself that I don't talk like that (usually).

I'm really nervous about starting my first job. I feel like it has taken so much for me not to be so F-ing shy (sorry, residual) and I'm sick of keeping it up. It's ridiculous because I can't live my life like that. But it's hard to be something you're not. And it's key when the things you're not, i.e friendly and hardworking, are important in the real world.

Ever since my Bff's have gone away, I feel like I have to watch what I say because I don't want to hurt them. And things have been a bit too warm and gooey. It's unnatural. I can't say that I know what it's like to leave your friends and family and I'm sure it has been emotional, but I want to be able to insult them and tell them what I really think. Because that's what best friend's are for. Did you guys notice that too or is it just me? Well, talking to them online today, I tried to get back into that.

Denial is not just a river in Egypt

This summer has been a roller coaster. A mostly downhill one. There was the ear surgery, and not being able to do stuff like swimming, playing in community marching band, and going on carnival rides. I didn't even think it was possible to have a summer without swimming. There was also that whole dream-crushing thing- you know where I was supposed to go away to college then reality slapped me in the face. Most recently, is the not-getting-that-job-I-really-wanted thing (ok, I don't know for sure, but it's not looking good).

Though the summer was not completely sucky. My favorite day was probably my birthday. I figured that's the only day I could force my friends to come shopping at the mall with me all day. It was the best b-day/ shopping spree ever. I also thoroughly enjoyed going to the zoo with my friends and multiple sleepovers.

Those who know me, know that I hate endings. I cry every December 26th. But I don't feel emotionally attached to this summer. I feel numb. School's tomorrow and I don't want to go. But I will and you have to just keep on moving. And my friends are leaving this week. But, that's life and they got to go. I guess being in denial and being emotionally detached is my way to save myself the tears. This summer has been hard enough. And I can only take so much. With my friends leaving and me going to a school I hate, I have nothing to look forward to. It's the only way I can save myself from myself.

They're dropping like flies

As of last week, friends starting leaving for college. It's so weird. I can't believe everyone is going away! All those friendships we made in high school-disbanded. Well, not really. But it feels like it to me. But maybe it is for me. I'm not very good in social situations, or at making friends. And now everyone is leaving me. And I'm back at square one. I'm lower than square one actually. I mean, how many of my friends am I actually close enough to stay in touch with? I'm afraid to know.

I think what will be the worst is when my two best friends leave. I can't even imagine that. I kind of think that should be against some sort of law. Me and my two bff's are going to be in three different states- now that's just not right.

Friends-wise, it's going to be hard for me to stay here. I do have friends going to community college also, but I rarely see these people outside of school. And the only person I know in any of my classes is my brother.

I miss you friends! I wish you all weren't going away! But good luck and have fun with your new and exciting experiences of college.

And don't forget about me just because I don't have a web-cam.

I'm going to dig myself into a ditch

To be honest, I'm pretty bummed about this whole community college thing. It really sucks. I mean, I was sooooo close to getting out of here. I could taste the freedom on my lips. And now, I'm stuck here, in this crappy house, with my annoying parents and siblings (*cough* sister *cough cough*).

This kid I know, who's 18th birthday is today just wrote a blog post about turning 18. I confess I spaced out about half-way through (something about marijuana?) , but that's partly because it started an argument in my head.

He said that turning 18 is unimportant and if anything it's more sucky than being 17 because of new responsibilities. I disagreed I've been 18 for five days and I think it is the coolest thing ever. It's more than just porn, cigarettes, and lottery tickets- it's knowing that you could do stuff if you wanted to. Like getting a tattoo. Bill, the aforementioned blogger, is getting a tattoo. I myself have been thinking about getting one. I don't know if Bill's parents approve of this or not, but mine never would. I find satisfaction, though, in the fact that they have no say in the matter. So, what do you think of a small orange flower on my back, by my shoulder?

But then again, living at home for the next two years limits my would-be freedoms. My parents' house- my parents' rules- as much as I would like to deny that. When my brother, who's a year older than me, started community college last year his curfew got moved up to 2am. A good freedom if you ask me. Won't do me any good though. One of my only friends staying home has the strictest parents I know (yes, worse than yours, Rosie). And neither of us have our licenses. And she lives on the other side of town.

I really could have used that freedom and independence you get when you go away to college. This house, my parents, my siblings (younger) are suffocating me.

Plus, I've already screwed things up with community college seeing as how I can't sign up for any useful classes because they're all full and I got my online account disabled. I was just trying to find out my e-mail address so I could join the network on facebook.

The worst part is all of my friends are going away. They feel sorry for me and try to sympathize, but in their heads they are saying, "Whew! At least it's not me! I'm glad I get to get away from my parents" So, go head. Go to college and party with your cool new college friends. I'll just stay at home, listening to my little sister bitch and insult me to no end.

Sorry, this was a pissy blog. I'll try to get a happier one in eventually.

Say cheese!

This goes out to all my friends and close acquaintances:

I just had the greatest idea! We should have a cheese fest! I was thinking the other day and the thought came to my mind that we need to have a party before band camp, and then of course my thoughts turned to food. And what food is better than cheese(well there are some, but cheese is pretty high up on my list)? So then I started thinking- cheese and crackers, nacho cheese, cheese quesadillas, cheese fondue- the possibilities are virtually endless.

So now I throw the question to you, my friends- am I just saying this jokingly, or do you want to go cheese crazy (for those of you who are not already there)?