My average thoughts of the day in a sensical order

6:05 am: F*** you, alarm clock.
6:59 am: I'm not late [to work]! For once.
8:45 am: I really have to pee, there's no time to pee, but I really gotta go pee.
11:00 am: I want to go home now. 
2:10 pm: I'm gonna sit here and look busy because I always finish early on Saturdays. I'll print the nourishment labels at 2:30. That only takes a few minutes.
2:32 pm: Printer jam. That's ok, I got it.
2:33 pm: Printer jam again. Oh boy.
2:34 pm: Printer jam. Dammit.
2:35 pm: Printer jam. What the F***! I only have 1 page printed! are you seriously going to do this to me printer?!?!
2:45 pm: I swear to God, printer, if you don't print these without jamming every other page I am going to take a hammer and smash you to little pieces!
2:46 pm: There we go.
2:47pm: Printer jam. *screams inside*
3:04 pm: Done. I gotta get outta here.
3:25 pm: Mushroom burger. mmmm. Tastes great, you know, with cheese, ketchup, mustard and pickles.
3:28 pm: Phone call from a boy or finish burger. Boy.
3:38 pm: Burger.
5:00 pm: Must. Nap. Now.
6:45 pm: Taco Bell bean burrito looks like poop. I want to smush it.
6:50 pm: I smush it.
8:00 pm: Phone call from boy again. Sorry. I don't feel like dealing with people right now.
8:34 pm: I don't want to be a vet.
8:40 pm: Phone call from Person! Ewww...that's a lovely dream (no).
9:30 pm: I should blog. I have nothing to blog about. Oh well, I blog anyway.

How to pick up guys

I bar him on hand [1] he hadde enchaunted me/ (My dame [2] taughte me that subtiltee)/ And eek [3] I saide I mette [4] of him al night/ He wolde han slain me as I lay upright/ And al my bed was ful of verray blood/ 'But yit I hope that ye shul do me good/ for blood bitokeneth [5] gold, as me was taught.'

-The Wife of Bath, The Canterbury Tales

[1. I pretended to him 2. mother 3. also 4. dreamed 5. signifies]

My lit prof's translation: "I had a dream that you stabbed me in bed last night, but I know you wouldn't hurt me"

Subtle, indeed.

Chaucer has such a dirty mind.

Sitting duck

I'm babysitting tomorrow. I haven't babysat since the summer, and if any of you remember the anything I have written about the kids I babysit; you will realize that I need a battle plan.

Go unarmored into munchkin territory you will be faced with screams and cry's- your own.  I have gotten hit, spit on, and sworn at at this house. Once, the little boy was trying to pee on the other children, now that's a weapon I can't compete with.

So, I bring toys, crayons, books, my wit, and my manners. Yes, I will teach them manners if it kills me. But I'm not going to take their crap sitting down.



PS. I think it's kind of wrong of me to use a duck hunting reference in my title considering my improved moral stance on animals rights. PETA might not approve, but it does remind me of Another Story.

Another story

In the operating room before my ear surgery, a bunch of people were milling about doing their jobs preparing stuff when one guy starts. "So, I went hunting this weekend..."

But then the anesthesiologist cuts him off and was like, "Don't say that! She's [me] a vegetarian!" You see, in pre-op I had mentioned I wanted to be a small animal vet and he was like, "You could go into research if you want to work with small animals." He got major death stare for that.

Then the fist guy said, "Well, it was just ducks. They don't matter [yadda, yadda]" I stopped listening then rolled my eyes, but no one saw.

How could ducks not matter?!?! Mean medical person. Poor ducks.

Chemistry cool

Today, the highlight of lab was when one kid knocked something over and set his lab papers on fire. Our teacher was yelling at him to blow it out, but he was unsuccessful so she yelled to go to the sink. He carried his burning papers to the sink and then put it out. It looked nice after that, all burned and wet. It was amusing, but you haven't even heard the best part part; he is studying to become a firefighter. Oh, irony.